you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
