i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
3pm strippers are depressing
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
