i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
