Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
