Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
