trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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