my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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