I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pants are for mortals
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
