kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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