so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
