its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
