well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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