if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
