i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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