Moan for me like Helen Keller
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
