I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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