meet me or not, i'm out of control
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
