my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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