Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
