the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
50% drunk capacity currently
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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