before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
