The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
