I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
whose ass print is on the piano?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
FUCK WHALES
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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