I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
