finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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