There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
