he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she told me i tasted like america
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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