my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
