i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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