yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
