I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dignity is for republicans.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
