why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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