her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
