grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
