i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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