I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
