She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
