best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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