finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
