I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
