Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
