she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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