i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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