i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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