Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
