i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
