the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
