Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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