Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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