what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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