please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
