weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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