id be glad to
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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