I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm getting married
To pizza
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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