I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
