cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
