Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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