you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
