I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
