i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
me + whiskey = a bad person
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
