You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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