Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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