listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
