Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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