why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize