I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
