I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sorry my hands just texted you
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My breasts were aching with rage.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Randomize
