so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
